


looking for a little bit of hope these days

by danhoweiis



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Actors, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Phandom Big Bang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-19 09:04:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20654666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danhoweiis/pseuds/danhoweiis
Summary: when dan begun his acting career he imagined he'd have to face many difficulties. sharing a dressing room with the guy he has a crush on however, wasn't one of them





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> here it is!! my ever fic for the pbb!!
> 
> thank you to [elle](https://amazingmitchell.tumblr.com/) for being such a lovely beta and thank you to [elisa](https://lovelydeps.tumblr.com/) for the most adorable art i have ever seen!!! (thank u both for making my first pbb such a treat!)
> 
> you can view the wonderful art that elisa drew [HERE](https://lovelydeps.tumblr.com/post/187781432653/my-art-for-danhowellz-fanfic-looking-for-a)!!!
> 
> also shoutout to my emotional support [fizz](https://phanwich.tumblr.com/) who without whom i probably never would have decided to write for the pbb in the first place

"Why are you leaving me?" Oliver whined from Dan’s bed.

Dan ignored him and continued packing. "Cause I have a job and I have to work." 

"But you're leaving me alone for 6 weeks? What am I supposed to do?" Oliver said, now resorting to pouting in the hopes Dan would pay him attention.

"I don't know. Have a party? Enjoy time by yourself." Dan suggested

“You know full well I hate being by myself.”

Dan chuckled as he finished packing his clothes into his suitcase. “I do which is why I can’t wait to see how well you cope...or don’t cope.”

“You’re a sadist,” Oliver replied, throwing a cushion at Dan.

He picked it up from the floor and stroked it. “How dare you, this cost me £40.”

“I know, remind me again why you spent £40 on a decorative cushion that you don’t even sleep on?”

“Looks nice,” Dan said, straightening out the cushion. It was monochrome and had tiny embroidered stars all over it. When he’d seen it on the Anthropologie website he couldn’t shake it from his mind and made an impulse purchase.

“You and your “aesthetic.'' 

Dan had been cast in a new UK tour of the play  _ All My Sons _ . He’d spent the past 4 weeks rehearsing and now tomorrow he would be travelling up to Newcastle-Upon-Tyne to begin the year long run of the play across the country. 

“I’m shit scared you know?” Dan said to Oliver as he finished off his packing, “What if I’m crap or I mess up on stage and the director realises what a massive mistake he’s made and I get fired and can never work again?”

“Mate, calm down, you’re not even there yet. Plus you’ve been rehearsing for over a month, if they thought you were shit you’d have been kicked off way before now.”

Dan smiled as he meticulously folded up his shirts (again) and organised them back into his suitcase (again). 

“Different doing it in front of a live audience though.”

“I’m not gonna pretend to know what it’s like but you’ll be fine. And don’t forget I’m coming to see you in 2 weeks when you’re in Leeds.”

“Yeah, so you’ve told me about 500 times.”

Oliver was now sat up, his arms folded. “Do you know how expensive it is to get to Leeds from London? Well, I’ll tell you, bloody expensive. Almost an entire weeks rent. I’m going to be having strong words with British Rail let me tell you.”

Dan smiled and shook his head. “I think you’re exaggerating, also I never asked you to come so stop complaining.”

“I’m going to complain every second of every day and you know it.”

“Well, I think I’m packed now. Obligatory Domino’s and old episodes of  _ Kitchen Nightmares _ ?”

“You read my mind Daniel.” Oliver replied, jumping up from the bed and grabbing his phone.

After the pizza had been eaten they both went to bed. Dan more reluctantly, not wanting this night of familiar comfort to end.

He couldn’t sleep the entire night. He got about an hour of sleep in total over the night, his stomach was twisting and turning all night and in the end he just resorted to staying awake and watching youtube videos. The rational part of his brain knew everything would be fine and that everyone got nervous, it was just a shame that the rational part of his brain was being overpowered by a very loud voice shouting ‘you’re going to be shit.’

-

Dan loved trains. The way he could watch the world whizz by as he did absolutely nothing, lost in thought. The train journey from London to Newcastle was a blissful 3 hours. While most people would turn their noses up at the thought of being stuck on a train for that long, Dan revelled in it.

He’d treated himself to some lunch and snacks from M&S, pulled on his headphones and watched the scenery change out of the window.

The only downside to being on tour for weeks at a time was not having a permanent place to live. On the limited budget Dan and the rest of the cast had been given he had booked himself into some hotels for the first few weeks. When he finally reached the hotel after a 20 minute walk (taxis were expensive) he was in shock that the hotel he had booked at 11pm a few weeks back actually looked half decent. (It certainly made a change from the cheap B&B’s and Travelodges Dan and his friends were used to.) He walked into the lobby and over to the reception desk and he noticed how clean and tidy it looked and the smell of flowers and disinfectant filled his nostrils.

“Good afternoon, how can I help?” A middle aged lady asked, who’s hair had been scraped back off her face within an inch of its life.

“Hi. My name’s Dan Howell. I’ve got a room booked for this week.”

“Ah yes, here we are. I’ll just get you set up with your room key.” She beamed. 

“Oh great, thank you,” Dan said, looking around the hotel as he waited. There was a large table in the middle of the foyer with a fresh vase of flowers on it, and paintings of the English countryside on the walls. It looked cosy.

He was handed his room key a few minutes later and made his way up the stairs. His room was on the 4th floor and when he unlocked the door he was pleasantly surprised. The bed was a decent size and there was a large window overlooking part of the city. He took one look at his large suitcase and bag and decided that unpacking could be done another time. Giving in to willpower, he walked over to the bed and collapsed onto it, pulling his shoes off lazily as he crawled up the bed to rest his head on a pillow. 

Within seconds he was asleep. This was the start of the next year of his life and he’d need all the rest he could get.

-

Dan slept like a baby. The duvet must have been made from something other wordly because as soon as he got under it and pulled it up to his chin, he was out like a light. This of course only made getting up the next day even harder. He had set himself 10 alarms, each to go off every 5 minutes to ensure he was awake in time to get to the theatre. The plan worked, in theory, but it was currently 8:45am, he had to be at the theatre for 9am, and he was still a 20 minute walk away.

He was as always the last one to arrive. He pushed the stage door open and leaned against the desk, panting. 

“Dan...Howell…” He said, wheezing. “Dressing room…”

The stage door keeper chuckled as she looked Dan up and down. “Where did you run from? Timbuktu?” She said with a laugh.

Dan let out a chuckle as he clutched his chest, trying to get his breath back. “Didn’t want to be late.”

“I can see that. You’re in dressing room 4,” She said.

Dan smiled before making his way up the stairs to find it.

2 flights of stairs later and considerably more out of breath than he was before (Dan definitely needed to do more cardio) he reached the dressing room. There was a sign on the door, with Dan’s name on it and another name underneath:  _ ‘Phil Lester’. _

He pushed open the door and was met with Phil who was unpacking what looked like 10 packets of sweets from a bag and into a drawer. “You got enough sugar there?”

Phil jumped and turned around to look directly at Dan. “Don’t scare a man like that.”

“Sorry,” Dan apologised as he walked in to dump his bags. “Seriously though, are you preparing for some sort of sugar shortage or something…?”

“No. I just like sugary sweets. Keep my energy up.”

Dan laughed as he sat down in the chair in front of the mirror. This would be  _ his _ dressing room. Albeit only for a week before they moved onto the next location, but it was his own space. Phil had already gone back to unpacking the insane amount of sweets he had bought as Dan began unpacking his bags.

A good luck card from Oliver. His water bottle and notebook.

Dan hadn’t actually spent much time with Phil during rehearsals. Their characters weren’t in any of the same scenes (apart from the end scene where all the loose ends were tied up) so he couldn’t really understand why they’d been paired up to share a dressing room.

“So, big day isn’t it. First time in the theatre,” Phil said, looking at Dan excitedly.

“Yeah I guess so, this is actually my first proper show. I’ve only really done small, amateur stuff back home,” Dan admitted.

This was probably one of the reasons he was so nervous. Up to now, his audiences had consisted of maybe 200 people. And now he was being thrown straight into the deep end with an audience of nearly 1,500 people. 

“Oh no way? That’s terrifying!” Phil said. “I’m sure you’ll be fine. “

“Yup, just hope I don’t divebomb off the stage right into some old ladies lap and end up traumatising her for life.” He laughed awkwardly.

“You joke but I’ve actually done that.” Phil said, scratching his head awkwardly. 

“You’re kidding me? How?”

“It was in my 3rd year of University and during our final performance we had this big crowd scene towards the end of act 1 and well...the stage wasn’t very high off the ground and I sort of got pushed to the front, dropped straight off the front and fell right back into this kids grandma. Horrifying.”

Dan tried to stifle his laughter, he really did but in the end a loud burst of laughter erupted from his lips as he leant forward, clutching his stomach. “Please ...p-please do not do that this week. I will literally wet myself on stage,” Dan said, struggling to get his words out.

“I’m not making any promises!”

-

Dan liked to think of himself as a pretty composed guy. His friends might disagree but Dan knew he was right.

Within minutes of entering the dressing room (after his initial conversation with Phil) he had already texted Nathan, his fellow cast member, with the following message.

**To: Nathan** **  
** **Absolute fucking joke that i’ve been put in a dressing room with hot phil. Of all the people in this damn show i get paired with him??? The universe is mean :(**

He’d met Nathan on the first day of rehearsals. Their characters were friends and had practically every scene together, so when they weren’t rehearsing they were usually sat around chatting about everything and nothing.

They’d also spotted Phil on that first day too. The whole cast had introduced themselves and done a few ice breakers before rehearsals began. Nathan and Dan had subsequently spent the rest of the day whilst they weren’t rehearsing clocking Phil’s every move and watching him. (The nickname ‘Hot Phil’ had originated later that afternoon. The rehearsal room was warm and Phil had stretched his arms above his head, his t shirt riding up revealing a sliver of his stomach, and pushed his drooping quiff from his face. Dan was a sucker for arms and boys with quiffs. He was a goner.)

**To: Dan** **  
** **I’m in dressing room 5. Chris just left. come over so i can laugh at you in person**

“I’m just gonna go visit my friend in the next dressing room,” Dan said as he made his way to the door.

“Oh sure,” Phil said, a wide smile spread across his face.

As soon as Dan closed the door into Nathan’s dressing room he leaned up against it and screamed quietly into his hands.“Of all the people in the whole damn show..”

Nathan laughed in his face. “Karma that is.”

“For what? Dan questioned.

“I don’t know,” Nathan shrugged. “I don’t know how all that shit works.”

“I’m going to die. I’m going to have to watch him get changed? Watch him do his hair? And he’s just going to be there all the time, next to me...visually taunting me with that...with that perfect face of his.” Dan said with a sigh, slumping into the couch that was in the dressing room.

“Woah woah, rewind on the wedding vows Danny boy. It’s only a dressing room!”

Dan rubbed his fingers on his temple and sighed. “It’s so much more than that,” He said wearily. “This could be the end of my life as I know it.”

Nathan rolled his eyes and turned back to finish organising his things. “Stop being a drama queen and get on with it. He’s just a guy.”

Dan looked at him, his jaw nearly hitting the floor. “Take that back. Take it back right now.”

“What?” Nathan replied with a chuckle.

“That man next door is a gift from god, an angel from the heavens some might say,” Dan said, pointing his finger at the door. “If I didn’t know him I’d swear he was a god and I’d get right down on my knees and pray to him.”

“Oh, I’m sure you would.”

Dan didn’t entertain Nathan’s comment and walked straight out of the door and back to his own dressing room.

He paused, hand hovering above the door handle before pushing it open and stepping inside, greeting Phil as if the previous conversation with Nathan had never happened.

-

Their first day in the theatre was long and warm. By 6pm everyone was so exhausted that all they wanted to do was sleep before their opening night tomorrow. 

“So, how was day 1 of sharing a dressing room with Phil?” Nathan asked as him and Dan made their way into town to get some food.

“Oh those 30 minutes we spent together this morning were incredible. Almost seemed a shame we actually had to spend all day rehearsing and doing a tech run.” Dan sighed.

“Oh yeah, real shame we had to do the job we’re getting paid for!” Nathan replied sarcastically.

“It’s just a cruel twist of fate I should be placed right under the nose of the most attractive man in the world, only to have him ripped away.”

“And by ripped away you mean called on stage to do his job?”

“Exactly.”

“Look, not that I don’t appreciate all this boy talk, but if this is what I’m gonna be subjected too for the next year of this tour then count me out. Find a new friend.”

“Fine. I won’t say the P-word for the rest of the week unless absolutely necessary.”

“See that’s what worries me, what’s your definition of absolutely necessary?”

-

Dan’s cheeks hurt from smiling. He didn’t think he’d stopped smiling the entire time he was on stage, and even during the more serious scenes he’d had to fight the smile from spreading across his face.

“Fuck. That was brilliant. Did you see everyone? And the applause? It was amazing! I can literally feel the energy buzzing around my entire body, I want to do it again!” Dan said as he rushed off stage, grabbing Nathan’s arm.

“Calm down!” Nathan replied, unbuttoning his shirt as they walked.

“I can’t! That was the best night of my life. They loved us!”

“How do you have this much energy? I’m exhausted,” Nathan laughed.

“I don’t know, look I’ll see you after I’m gonna get changed then we can go out and get pizza because I’m so fucking hungry I could eat a horse.”

“I thought you were vegetarian?”

Dan laughed loudly as he pushed open the door to his own dressing room. He’d never felt like this before. He’d never done drugs before but was this what it felt like to be high? He felt like he could do anything.

“Are you alright?” Phil asked as Dan bounded into the dressing room. “You look drunk!”

“I’m just happy. That was literally the most fun I have ever had Phil. I feel so alive.”

Phil smiled at him fondly (well what Dan thought was fondly anyway.) “You were great, I watched some of your scenes from the wings and you were amazing. Better than in rehearsals.”

Dan felt himself blush and cleared his throat, “Thanks.” Phil had been watching him. Dan wasn’t sure what to do with this information. Clearly he was just watching Dan from a professional perspective right? Perhaps to pick up tips and learn from Dan’s acting, surely that was all.

“Can’t believe we get to do it all again tomorrow!” Phil added. 

“Yeah, and for the next 365 days.”

“360 shows to be precise.”

Dan’s jaw dropped. “You’ve counted?”

“Yeah...god that’s so lame isn’t it?”

Dan laughed. “I mean yeah, but in a cool way.”

“I am definitely not cool.”

As Dan sat down at his dressing table and began to wipe the makeup from his face he couldn’t help but notice how content he felt. This all felt so surreal, like he was living someone else's life and that he if he pinched himself he’d wake up and realise it had all been a dream. So he did, he pinched his arm and closed his eyes, hoping Phil wouldn’t see him. But when he opened them again he was still there, sitting in front of his dressing table with Phil next to him.

-

The first week of the show flew by in a flash and before Dan knew it he was bowing on stage with the rest of the cast at their penultimate performance in Newcastle. After every show he’d sat in front of his mirror and done the exact same thing he’d done that first night. Pinched his arm and closed his eyes. And every time he’d opened them again, he was still exactly where he was before. He didn’t think he’d ever get tired of it.

Back in the dressing room Dan quickly changed into some comfy clothes. “I’m heading out before the show tonight, just in case anyone wonders where I am.” Dan said to Phil.

“Oh alright, me and some of the other guys were gonna play Mario Kart. Sure I can’t tempt you?” Phil asked.

“You just want to try and beat me don’t you? It’s never gonna happen Phil face it,” Dan teased as he pulled on his jacket. “I’ll see you later.”

As much as Dan had wanted to say yes to Phil’s offer, he had promised to call Oliver (who he’d been ignoring all week) and he desperately needed some time alone before the final show and inevitable post show drinks that would follow.

He headed into town in search of a Starbucks where he could fuel his body with caffeine and sugar. It’s not that he was against eating vegetables, but when you’re performing a show every night and not finishing work until 10pm then a takeaway pizza is just an easy option (or so Dan told himself.) After locating a Starbucks and collecting his large caramel cappuccino he collapsed down on one of the soft, squishy sofas and dialled Oliver’s number.

“And so the elusive Daniel reappears! Remembered I exist, did you?” Oliver chided over the phone.

“Piss off, I’ve been busy. Working. Earning money,” Dan said boastfully.

“Yeah alright. Go on then, what’s it like? Is it going well? How are things with God in human form, or whatever you’re calling Phil these days.”

Dan rolled his eyes at that. “Things are  _ fine _ . Why wouldn’t they be?”

“Oh I don’t know, just recalling the near 20 message spam I got on Tuesday telling me you were sharing a dressing room with him.”

“It was important info that I thought you might like to be updated on!”

Oliver laughed down the phone and Dan felt a pang of something. It felt weird to be missing Oliver. They weren’t exactly the most sentimental of friends but they’d both known each other for nearly 5 years now. Having met each other at uni, they’d rarely spent much time apart.

“Oh you know I’m always game for some boy chat Dan. Speaking of, how’s Nathan? Still cute?”

"Stop trying to get with all my friends!” Dan scolded. “Can we get back to the topic at hand of why I’m stuck sharing a dressing room with the most attractive man on the planet?" Dan said exasperatedly. 

"Fine fine. Clearly your needs are more important than mine. Why don’t you just try flirting with him? For me, please?" Oliver begged over the phone.

"You think I haven’t been trying? I'm pretty sure he's straight." 

"You're not assuming there are you Dan?"

"No! I'm like 99% sure he's straight."

"I mean you can't know for su-"

"I can. I’ve heard him talk about past girlfriends and stuff."

"What a bummer." 

“Tell me about it.” HIs phone suddenly started beeping and he pulled it away from his ear to see Phil’s name flashing on the screen. “Shit Ol, Phil’s calling me. Look, I’m off tomorrow so I’ll call you then alright? Bye.”

Oliver didn’t even have a chance to reply before Dan had hung up.

“Phil, hey! What’s up?” Dan said, trying not to sound too cheery.

“Me and some of the other guys were gonna go bowling after the show tonight, do you wanna come? We were booking a lane so we need to know numbers.”

Phil had been thinking about him? So much so he had called Dan to see if he wanted to come out with the rest of the cast. It was a small, probably insignificant detail to Phil but a smile spread across Dan’s face at Phil’s words.

“Yeah, yeah I’d love to. Sign me up!”

“Great, I’ll see you later mate.”

Dan hung up and looked down at his phone, smiling to himself. This would be their first time hanging out outside of the show and Dan would be lying if he said he wasn’t excited.

-

Dan had been staring at the wardrobe in his room for about 20 minutes. As soon as Phil had hung up he’d gulped down his coffee and rushed back to the flat he was staying in to find an outfit to wear for “bowling with Phil and friends.” He needed something that said  _ ‘hey I’m cool and fun’  _ but also  _ ‘Hi I’m single and ready to mingle.’ _ In the end he went for a grey shirt with cherry blossoms scattered over it. It was his most prized item of clothing. After eyeing it up for weeks he’d bought it the minute his paycheck came in (even if Oliver had almost choked when he saw the price)

_ (“£95 for that? It’s just a shirt. You know they sell those in Topman right for like half the price?” _

_ “But this one is gorgeous Ol, have you seen it? I need it in my wardrobe!”) _

After frantically packing a bag with his clothes, cologne and a change of shoes, Dan rushed back to the theatre with just 15 minutes to spare before he needed to start getting ready for the evening performance.

“Someone’s late?” Phil said as Dan burst through the dressing room door.

“Not late. I’m on time,” Dan said, slightly out of breath. He dumped his bag down and looked up at Phil, only to find him sat at his dressing table, shirtless, whilst he styled his hair.  _ Great.  _ “I needed to get a change of clothes for bowling tonight. Didn’t really wanna turn up in sweatpants,” He chuckled.

Phil shrugged. “Wouldn’t have bothered me.” He glanced over at Dan who was currently wearing a slightly too big Britney Spears t-shirt over a pair of almost skin tight black joggers.

“Right,” Dan said with an awkward chuckle as he sat down. What the hell did that mean? Was that Phil’s way of saying it didn’t matter what he wore because it would just be a chilled night of bowling? Or maybe Phil liked the way Dan looked in skin tight joggers and an oversized t-shirt? Dan had to admit himself he couldn’t resist a look when he saw a particularly attractive guy wearing joggers. That was something to unpack another day, he thought as he got on with his pre-show routine.

-

The final show went so well. The audience was the best and most responsive they’d had all week and Dan was buzzing with energy as he ran off stage to get changed.

“Fuck, that was great wasn’t it?” He said to Nathan, patting him on the back as they walked up the stairs.

“Yeah, it was great. Apart from when I completely cocked up that first scene in Act 2!”

“That was minor! I barely even noticed, you were fine,” Dan reassured. “Anyway, you’re coming bowling too right? I need someone to be my wingman.”

“I’m not helping you hook up with Phil if that’s what you think is gonna happen.”

“But you’re my frieeeend!” Dan whined. “You’re supposed to help me hook up with people.”

“Not people who we know are straight and who you share a dressing room with.”

“Spoil sport,” Dan pouted as he and Nathan separated to go to their own dressing rooms.

Dan was too busy thinking about the previous conversation to notice that Phil was in the middle of getting changed when he entered the dressing room.

“Oh, fuck sorry.” He apologised, turning to look the other way as Phil pulled on his jeans. How had this happened to him twice in one day?

“It’s fine mate. Nothing you haven’t seen before I’m sure.” Phil chuckled. “I mean cause we share a dressing room you know...it’s bound to happen. Also cause you’re a guy too so....I’m sure you’ve seen ...things….Fuck, I’m gonna shut up now.” He chuckled again awkwardly.

Dan was left speechless as he looked at Phil. “Am I alright to get changed too? I can go into the bathroom or….”

“No, no I’m fine ...well it’s fine. Do whatever you want, this is your dressing room too.”

Dan didn’t dare say anything else and turned around to get changed in silence. He buttoned his shirt up and sat down in the mirror to apply some dry shampoo to his hair.

“Your curls are nice. I wish I had curly hair, straight hair is so boring.”

“Thanks,” Dan replied. “They’re a bitch to maintain though. I can never get them to look right.”

“They look fine to me. But then again I’m no hairdresser,” He chuckled. 

Considering it was nearly 11pm the bowling alley they had gone to was packed. They had 2 lanes between them and Dan wasted no time in making sure he was on a lane with Phil.

“Real subtle there Dan,” Nathan said as they sat down.

“What do you mean?”

“ _ Oh I’ll go on this team with Phil to make the numbers even,’ _ ” Nathan mocked.

“Shut up.” Dan said, elbowing him in the ribs.

“You any good at bowling?” Phil asked as he sat down on the other side of him.

“Uh, sort of? I haven’t had much practice but I always do really well when I play it on Wii Sports.” Dan giggled, turning more to face Phil.

“Lord give me strength,” Nathan muttered under his breath, as the first players on each team took their turns.

This was the first time Dan had ever hung out with Phil outside of work. It was the first time he’d actually spent more than an hour in his company where they weren’t rehearsing or working. Some things he’d learnt about Phil in just this past hour of bowling were:

  1. Phil was incredibly competitive and whenever he scored particularly well he would do a little jump in the air and smile, his tongue sticking out between his teeth
  2. Whenever Dan had gotten a strike he had patted him on the arm and smiled at him, his hand lingering on Dan’s arm as he sat down
  3. Offered to buy everyone drinks which Dan thought was probably the sweetest gesture in the entire world and made Phil some sort of demi-god because surely no human could be that nice

“I’m catching up to you Dan, you’d better watch out.” Phil said after his last turn of the first game. 

He sat down next to Dan and glared at him in what was supposed to be a threatening way, Dan presumed, but just resulted in him bursting out laughing.

“Well, if I get a strike next round then I think I might just beat you. Then it’ll be bye bye Philly.”

“Please never call me that.”

“What? Philly?” Dan teased.

“Yes!” Phil said, shoving Dan playfully.

“Woah, woah, watch out for my drink!” Nathan said, holding his bottle of beer up in the air. “If you wanna play fight then do it away from me. I don’t wanna end up with sticky clothes.”

“Nah, we’ll save the play fighting for the dressing room when we’re fighting over who gets to use the bathroom,” Phil said casually.

Dan felt his cheeks blush as he looked across at Nathan. 

“Dan just gets all pouty because I win every time.”

Dan’s head whipped back round to look at Phil, scandalised. “You won once! Every other time I’ve won; don’t lie in front of your friends to make yourself seem cooler.”

“Already am cool, Danny boy,” Phil said.

Dan rolled his eyes and turned again to look at Nathan who was eyeing him suspiciously, his eyebrows raised. “Play fighting eh? Sounds kinky,” He said, his voice loud enough so only Dan could hear.

“Piss off,” Dan muttered, equally as quiet before his name was called to go and take his last turn.

Dan won. Obviously. To which Phil mimed throwing a bowling ball at Dan who had come in 2nd place, only 3 points behind Dan.

“We’ve still got one more game you might win that one. Don’t feel too bad,” Dan said to Phil, consolingly.

“Exactly. You better watch your back.”

“Right, I need to piss. Come on Nathe,” Dan said, pulling his friend up by his arm and dragging him to the toilets

“Mate, he’s touched me on the arm like 5 times!”

“And? I do that all the time too, doesn’t mean I wanna fuck you.”

“But he hasn’t done that before! That’s what I'm saying, do you think it means something? I don’t know what to do?”

“You need to calm down is what you need to do. The look on your face is classic gay panic right here. He’s probably just being friendly.”

“This isn’t gay panic, this is just your standard Dan panic and overthink every little thing.”

“Well then ask him, talk to the man! I don’t know, throw him some compliments and see how he reacts. If I have to hear one more time about how he looked at you I swear to God I’ll...I’ll do something ...”

Dan sighed dramatically and looked at himself in the mirror. He splashed some water on his face before turning back round. “Right, I’m gonna be calm. I’m gonna be cool...I can talk to him right without wanting to kiss his face off?”

Nathan laughed loudly and patted him on the shoulder. “I’d hope so otherwise that would be an awkward conversation to have afterwards.”

They walked out of the toilets and back over to the lane. Phil was sitting in the same spot, laughing over a joke someone had just told and Dan swore he felt his heart do a tiny flip.

“Welcome back guys!” Chris, another one of the actors, said. “Thought you’d gone for a secret shag in the toilets.”

Dan grimaced. “Ugh God no, have you seen the state of them? Definitely not clean enough.”

Nathan shoved him as they sat down. “I’m offended.”

“What? Cause I wouldn’t shag you in the toilets of a bowling alley? Sorry mate. I have higher standards than that,” Dan scoffed.

“I knew I’d never be good enough for you,” Nathan said as Dan turned his back on him to look at Phil who was watching them curiously.

“Lovers tiff?” He asked.

Dan shrugged and picked up his drink. “He’s just trying to make me feel bad.”

“I think you’ve upset him,” Phil laughed.

“He’ll get over it” He said before looking around at everyone else. “Come on guys, let's get this 2nd game started.”

It was nearly midnight by the time the game finished (Dan winning again) and they all gathered their belongings and started to head in the direction of their hotel. Luckily, apart from a couple of the older guys, they were all booked to stay at the same hotel so they walked through town together.

Dan linked his arm with Nathan as they walked through the dark streets, Phil walking behind them, chatting to some of the other cast as Dan and Nathan walked in front. The only lights coming from the street lights and the few clubs along the walk that were open, drunk people spilling from the doors.

“Am I dumb for having a crush on a straight guy?” Dan asked, his voice just quiet enough so that Phil, or anyone else, wouldn’t hear.

“You are, but we’ve all been there.” Nathan said with a reassuring pat.


	2. Chapter 2

The second week of the show came around too quickly and before Dan knew it, he was walking off a train in Leeds and grabbing a taxi to drive him to the hotel.  _ Fuck walking. _ All of Dan’s friends had decided they wanted some alone time before another intense week of spending all their time together leaving Dan free to check into his hotel, run himself a bath and lie down on the bed wearing nothing but his boxers for the rest of the afternoon.

That was until his phone buzzed with a message from Phil.

**To: Dan** **   
** **Being alone is boring come keep me company and play mario kart :[**

He was just being friendly, Dan tried to tell himself, but something about Phil’s tone in the message seemed like it meant something more.

“Why are you on the 500th floor? I thought that lift was going to collapse, it was so slow and creaky.”

Phil laughed as he let Dan in, gesturing to the bed for him to sit down.

“Should have used the stairs,” Phil replied teasingly.

“What and collapsed halfway up? No chance mate. Now where’s this Nintendo switch so I can beat your ass at Mario Kart. Again.”

Dan did indeed beat Phil’s ass. 4 times, to be precise.

Playing Mario Kart was something that they’d started pretty early on. Phil had mentioned it during their first day of the tech run, exclaiming how good he was, to which Dan scoffed and claimed he was the true expert.

They had continued to play it every afternoon in their dressing room before each show, Dan claiming it was his way of calming down his nerves.

“I swear you have like magic powers or something, nobody is  _ that _ good at Mario Kart.”

“I am, Philly. Get used to it.”

“Could you let me win just once? Please?” He pouted, making large puppy dog eyes at Dan that he admittedly struggled to resist.

“Fuck no, if you want to win you have to earn it. I’m not letting you off easy.”

“Fine,” Phil said, folding his arms.

Dan stretched his leg out on the bed and prodded Phil’s thigh. “Stop being a baby.”

Phil looked down at Dan’s sock, it had a large yellow minion on it. “I’ll stop if you get that sock away from me!” He said, a disgusted look on his face.

Dan recoiled his foot and giggled. “Oliver got me them as a joke birthday gift.”

“Why are you wearing them then?”

“I’m wearing them ironically Phil, ugh! Get with it!” Dan said, trying his best not to laugh.

It failed and he burst out laughing at the same time as Phil before they fell into a comfortable silence.

It was strange. Dan considered himself 100% an introvert and there were only a few select friends he actually enjoyed the company of for more than 24 hours. He’d struggled to make friends all through university, not quite knowing how to put his true self out there and yet here he was, laughing and joking with a man he’d only known for the better part of a week. There was just something about Phil’s presence that made Dan want to spill his heart out to them.

“Wanna order Indian food?” Phil asked, prodding his own toe against Dan’s thigh.

“Sure, as long as we can get an insanely large amount of naan bread.”

“Oh, of course.”

-

The first show of the week came quicker than Dan would have liked. For some reason, knowing it was the second week made him more nervous. They’d had an amazing first week and now Dan knew what was expected of him. He wanted to perform even better than he had before.

“I don’t know why I’m so shit scared tonight, we’ve already done it all before.”

“It’s a new audience, it’s natural to be a little worried. You’ll be fine,” Phil reassured him from the seat next to him.

And that’s what Dan told himself for the entire show. Even at the end of the first act when Dan had one of his biggest scenes and he forgot almost half a page worth of lines. Luckily, with the help of Nathan and the other cast members he struggled through it before rushing offstage to his dressing room and collapsing onto the small couch that was in there.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Phil asked, who was already sat down in there eating some haribo.

“I fucked up. I fucked up so bad. I just...forgot all my lines. Like literally all my lines during one of the most important parts and God, I swear it was silent on stage for about 5 minutes before anyone spoke I could hear the audience talking and in the end Nath had to bail me out. God, I feel so stupid.”

Phil stood up and walked over to him, sitting down next to him. “I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as you’re making out. Now come on, take some deep breaths and let's be rational about this. I’m sure it didn’t last for 5 minu-”

“Phil, it did. I’m not lying.”

“It probably just felt like that in your head. And I’m sure the audience weren’t talking.”

Dan leant forward and buried his head in his hands. “God, I’m so shit.”

“No you’re not!” Phil smiled. “If you were you wouldn’t even be in this play!” he said, trying to reassure him.

“Well they’ve made a mistake.”

At these words the door burst open and Nathan came in. “Hey, how are you doing?”

“Fine,” Dan said bluntly.

“I promise it wasn’t even that bad Dan,” Nathan said, sitting down next to him on the other side and rubbing a hand over his shoulder. “I’ve definitely seen worse happen, we did well.”

“I just feel like a failure, you know? Like it just confirmed that what all those little voices in the back of my head are saying are true.”

Nathan reached down to hold Dan’s hand and squeezed it. “Well those little voices don’t know what they’re talking about. Right Phil?”

Phil was pulled from his daze of staring at their hands intertwined and cleared his throat. “Yeah...yeah you shouldn’t listen to them. They never say anything good,” He said reassuringly.

“See, it’s all fine.” Nathan said. “Can I leave you in the capable hands of Phil now because I am desperate for a piss.”

That made Dan laugh and he smiled. “Course. Phil’s great at looking after me,” He said with a smile, glancing across at Phil. He wasn’t expecting Phil to be staring straight at him and blushed before turning back to look at Nathan.

“Thank you, Nurse Nathan. You were a great help.”

Nathan bowed as he got up and pushed open the door. “I shall see you in the second act, my friend.”

Phil smiled as he watched Nathan leave. “He seems like a good friend.”

“Yeah he is,” Dan said softly. “He knows how to cheer me up.”

-

It was the first time Dan had ever felt relieved to finish a show. All he wanted was to go back to his hotel, eat an unhealthy amount of carbs and curl up under his duvet. After packing up his backpack and signing out of the building he started walking in the direction of his hotel. Just as he was about to pull on his headphones, he heard a voice.

“Wait up,” Phil shouted after Dan, pushing open the stage door and running after him. “I’ll walk back with you. We are staying in the same hotel after all.”

“Oh, oh yeah sure.”

“I thought Nathan would be with you.”

“Nah, he’s meeting some friends who came to see the show. Making me walk back by myself.”

“Well now you don’t have to,” Phil grinned.

They walked in an amicable silence for about 5 minutes before Phil spoke.

“Are you and Nathan together?”

Dan had to laugh. He wasn’t surprised Phil had asked him, he’d had quite a few of the other cast members ask him the same question, after spotting him and Nathan sat too close to one another or walking with their arms linked. “No we’re not, we’re just close. Nathan may be bi but I don’t want to date him.”

“Bi…” Phil said, sounding a little intrigued.

“Yeah, you know bisexual. Likes more than one gender?”

“I know what it means,” Phil replied, almost too defensively. “I’m not dumb.”

“Could have fooled me,” Dan joked back.

Dan loved talking to Phil, and not just because he was attractive but because the conversation between them flowed so easily. He felt like he didn’t have to try too hard to impress him because he’d learned that Phil’s sense of humour was just as weird as his was. 

“So uh- when did you realise you were gay?” Phil asked.

Well, this was not where Dan thought the conversation was going to go.

“Oh ...I don’t know really ...it was more a sort of ‘oh that boys kinda cute wait do I like boys now?’” He chuckled awkwardly. “But straight answer, if you’ll excuse the pun, I think I’ve always known. Or had an idea anyway. Especially through high school, but going to an all boys school isn’t exactly the place you wanna come out.” 

“Yeah, suppose not.”

“I started telling people when I went to uni because I didn’t know anyone there so it was easier to sort of start with a blank slate.”

“Yeah, I get that feeling.”

There was a silence as they walked, which normally Dan would be itching to fill, but with Phil, it just felt normal and easy.

“So, when did you realise you were straight?” Dan teased, chuckling as he turned to look at Phil.

Phil paused before answering, Dan could see his brain whirring behind his eyes as he shrugged and shoved his hands in his coat pockets.

“I don’t know if I am straight.”

Not knowing what to say in response, Dan just laughed. 

“Personally, I don’t think anyone’s 100% straight anyway.” 

Dan had not been more relieved when they got back to the hotel and went to the separate rooms. As soon as he was on the bed, he texted Oliver.

**To: Oliver** **   
** **Phil might be a little bit gay and i don’t know what to do with this information help me pls**

**To: Dan** **   
** **oh shit hahaha good luck with that mate. at least you can flirt with him now ;p**

Phil was maybe not straight? Meaning he at least liked boys a little bit? Possibly? It was too late for Dan to even start to unpack all that, but if there was even the smallest possibility that Phil would like him then that was enough.

-

“I don’t know what to do.” Dan said frantically, downing half of his mug of coffee before he’d even sat down.

“Flirt with him, let him know you’re interested,” Nathan said from across the table.

They’d gone out to Starbucks for some pre-show coffees and Nathan hadn’t even said hello before Dan had practically screamed the words:  _ “Phil might be a little bit gay.” _

“And what if he’s not interested? Am I supposed to just hopelessly flirt with him?”

“Yes. Exactly that, like the rest of us have to do.”

“I just...I can’t stop thinking that he told me, like it was nothing! I bet I was the first person he told. M-maybe he wanted me to know? Maybe that’s why he said it,” Dan gasped. “Do you think he likes me? And that’s why he said it, in the hopes I would understand.”

“Dan, Dan, slow down,” Nathan said, laughing slightly at Dan’s over dramatic tendencies. “Just be calm, be cool. You have to share a dressing room with the guy, I don’t want you hopping on his dick during the interval.”

Dan grimaced. “I don’t know who you think I am.”

They spent another hour talking before they decided they’d better get to the theatre before they got told off for being late (again).

They were walking through the middle of town when Dan felt someone pat his back.

“Hey, I thought it was you. Mind if I walk with you?” Phil asked, a wide smile on his face.

“Sure, no problem,” Nathan said. “You don’t mind do you Dan?” He asked with a knowing smirk in Dan’s direction.

“Course not. Why would I?”

“Where have you guys been?” 

“Oh just to Starbucks for a drink. Dan was telling me about how you thought we were together?” Nathan said.

Phil laughed, sounding somewhat embarrassed. “Can’t blame a guy for asking! You always seem to be attached at the hip.”

“Dan’s not muscular enough for me, or cute enough actually.”

Dan’s jaw dropped and he scoffed. He was just about to protest when Phil started speaking.

“I don’t know, he’s pretty cute.”

Dan was left virtually speechless as he looked between Phil and Nathan. 

“Well then he’s all yours.” Nathan replied, raising his brow as he looked across at Dan.

Dan was fucked.

-

More than usual Dan had over analysed every conversation he’d had with Phil that week. Was he being too flirty? Was he not being flirty enough? Was he acting weird around Phil? When Dan had walked into the dressing room one afternoon he’d all but ignored Phil in fear of saying something wrong. It wasn’t until Phil asked Dan why he’d been so quiet all day that Dan realised he couldn’t keep up the whole ‘being quiet’ thing.

Which is why on Friday, prompted heavily by Nathan, he asked Phil to come out for drinks with him.

“My friend Oliver is coming up to see the show tomorrow and me, him and Nathan were gonna go out for drinks after the show if you wanted to come? You don’t have to but you can, the offers there.” 

“Oh sure! I’d love to.”

“Great, I’ll let them know. Oliver’s really nice. I’ve known him for years.”

“If he’s your friend then I’m sure he is,” Phil smiled.

Oliver appeared at stage door the following afternoon holding a card and a ridiculously large bouquet of flowers.

“Awh Ol, I didn’t know you cared.” 

“If this is the treatment I get for being a supportive friend then forget it.”

Dan laughed and wrapped him up in a warm hug. “No I mean it, thanks. They’re nice.”

“Anytime. So, when do I get to meet the elusive Phil?” He asked. “You know that’s the only reason I’m here right?”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Typical. You can meet him tonight. He’s coming for drinks with us.”

Oliver gasped. “You’re kidding? You actually grew some balls and asked him? Oh, now I’m even more excited.” He said, a wicked grin on his face as he patted Dan on the arm.

“Just be good, please. I’ve told him how nice you are!”

“Oh I’ll be on my best behaviour. Scouts honour.”

“You were never even in the scouts!”

-

Dan had changed into one of his favourite black shirts and spent almost 15 minutes trying to make his curls sit right on his head.

“You ready mate? The bars will be closed by the time we get out.” Phil laughed.

“Yeah, yeah. All done now,” He said, grabbing his wallet before they both rushed down the stairs.

Oliver was outside. He greeted Dan with a wide smile and embraced him in a hug. “You were so good! I mean that, you were incredible!” He said, giving him a pat on the back.

Dan smiled, his cheeks turning red. “Thanks. Uh- this is Phil. Phil this is Oliver.”

They reached out to shake hands as Oliver gave Dan a knowing glance.

“Right, are we ready then, oh wait, where’s Nath?” Dan asked, looking around just as Nathan came barrelling towards them.

“Sorry,” He said, panting. “Had a disaster and spilt water down my shirt so had to borrow one from Chris.”

Dan tried not to burst out into laughter as he looked over Nathan’s almost bright purple shirt. “The colour really brings out your eyes.”

“Piss off. Can we just go and moderately pissed now please?”

“He’s cute,” Oliver said quietly, as he and Dan walked in front. “Nathan’s cute too.”

“Well you can have him. I reckon you’re his type, actually.”

They decided to go into a cocktail bar, grabbing a booth in the window and sitting down. Oliver had wasted no time in pulling Nathan into the seat next to him leaving Dan to sit next to Phil.

“So that’s a mojito for Dan, a strawberry daiquiri for Phil and a rum and coke for Oliver?” Nathan asked.

He went up to order the drinks, leaving the other 3 by themselves. 

“Phil, gotta say mate you were so good tonight. Genuinely so good! Even better than Dan,” He added in a low whisper.

Dan reached forward to swat his arm. “You’re supposed to be my friend!”

Phil laughed. “Clearly I’m just the better actor and Oliver here has noticed my talent!”

Dan pouted and rested his cheek in his hand. “You’re all mean.”

“I think you’re good,” Phil said quietly, turning to Dan. “Probably one of the best actors in the show, and I mean that,” He said, smiling sincerely.

Dan felt himself blush. “Thanks. I mean you too.”

Phil didn’t have time to respond because Nathan was back with the cocktails. 

“Nath we only ordered 4…” Dan exclaimed as he saw the 8 glasses on the tray.

“I know but turns out they were all 2 for 1 so I just got them. Drink up boys.”

And drink up they did and an hour later Dan could feel his head spinning slightly and his laughter came easier.

“So I walk in….” Oliver was saying between fits of laughter. “I’ve had a full day at uni and Dan was like I’ll cook us dinner. So I get back expecting a lovely meal on the table and all I smell is burning.”

Dan hid his face in embarrassment as Oliver continued.

“And I asked him, hey mate what’s going on where’s the spaghetti? And you know what he’d done?” He paused to sip on his drink. “He’d burnt the pasta, literally all of it.”

Phil and Nathan laughed, turning their heads to look at Dan who was now a bright shade of red.

“How do you burn pasta? It’s in the water!” Phil asked.

“Forgot...water…” Dan mumbled, his face covered by his hands.

“What was that Dan?” Nathan asked.

“I didn’t know you had to put water in the pasta okay? I thought you just cooked it in a pan and it all burnt, it was literally black.”

The entire table burst into laughter causing them to get some strange looks from the table next to them. 

“How did you not know that?” Nathan exclaimed. “That’s like pasta 101!”

Dan hid his face his hands again and grumbled. “I’m never talking to you again Oliver.”

“Stop being a baby, it’s funny!” Oliver responded.

Dan felt a pat on his back and turned his head to look at Phil who was rubbing his back soothingly. “You’re such an idiot,” He said, a smile on his face.

“Sure you wanna share a dressing room with me?”

“Just don’t cook any pasta and we’ll be fine.”

It was still only 11:30, the night was young (or so Nathan had said, anyway) and they made their way across town to a club. There was loud, bassy music coming from the building and groups of girls on nights out spilling from the door as they walked in.

They dragged themselves over to the bar to order and ordered some drinks before pushing their way into the crowds. For some reason Phil hadn’t let go of Dan’s arm for the entire walk over to the club and he was still clinging onto it now as they danced. 

“This music is shit,” Dan shouted, hoping Phil would hear him.

“What?” Phil shouted back.

Dan leaned in closer, his lips almost touching Phil’s ear. “This music is shit!” He said again, laughing.

Phil grinned and nodded. “I agree.”

Dan hadn’t pulled away and was still practically glued to Phil’s side. “Thanks for coming out tonight, you’re fun to spend time with,” He said, giggling slightly.

Phil smiled back. “Yeah, you’re uh- you’re nice. I mean fun, fun to hang out with. I mean you are nice but you’re more than nice,” He rambled. “And your friends are-” He said, looking up, expecting to see them in front of them. “Wait where are they?”

Dan pulled his gaze away from Phil and looked around. “They came in with us didn’t they?” He asked, looking back to the bar.

“Yeah...and they were at the bar too. How did we lo- Oh, they’re over there.” He said, pointing towards a booth in front of them where Nathan was sat on Oliver’s lap, giggling into his ear. 

Dan rolled his eyes and pulled himself away from Phil, stomping over towards them. “Stop hitting on all my friends!” He said pointedly, glaring into Oliver’s face.

He pouted and pulled Nathan closer to him. “But he’s cute Dan!”

“Yeah I’m cute!” Nathan pouted back, a smile tugging at his lips. 

“Fine, but if this ends in tears I’m not playing mum,” He replied.

“This is my favourite song D _ aaaaaaaaaaaaaa _ n!” Phil shouted, bounding over to him and tugging on his arm.

“You weren't this drunk 5 seconds ago,” Dan laughed fondly.

“Yeah, someone was handing out free shots so I had some!” He grinned. “Now come on, this is my song! I wanna dance!” He said, pulling Dan into the crowd.

“Be safe.” Oliver called after him.

Phil started dancing wildly, his arms and legs moving out of time completely. Dan couldn’t help but laugh.

“You’re an awful dancer, you know that?” He said, reaching out to hold Phil’s hands. “Let me help,” He said as he started moving Phil’s body in time with the beat.

Phil smiled as he looked up at Dan, his cheeks bright red from the mixture of alcohol and sweat.

“See, that’s loads better,” Dan said. Phil’s hands were soft in his and it took all of his willpower not to pull him in closer.

“You know I told you I don’t think I’m straight?” Phil asked loudly over the music.

Dan felt his heart freeze, were they really gonna have this conversation right here?

He simply nodded in response. 

“I think it’s cause of you,” He said, equally as loud as if he was simply proclaiming what drink he wanted.

“What?” Dan asked, not quite hearing what he’d said due to the music being turned up even louder (was that even possible?)

Phil grinned and moved in closer, his mouth right by Dan’s ear. “I said, I think it’s because of you.”

The words hit Dan like a ton of bricks and he swallowed, nodding. His brain was trying to muster up a response just as Phil pressed a kiss to his cheeks before pulling away, head thrown back and laughing loudly. 

“This is so good isn’t it?” He shouted.

Dan nodded, his head still trying to process what had happened. Whatever it was, it was good.


	3. Chapter 3

Dan couldn’t hold it in anymore and on the train to Birmingham, Dan spat the words into Nathan’s face.

“Phil kissed me. Well, sort of. It was a kiss on the cheek but it was directly after he’d said that I was part of the reason why he didn’t think he was straight anymore which might have just been him projecting and it was a friendly kiss on the cheek but- Why are you staring at me like that?” Dan asked.

Nathan was sat opposite him, he’d put down his bag of crisps he was eating as he couldn't believe what Dan was telling him. He was staring at Dan with a look of complete and utter confusion on his face.

“Are you thick?”

“Wh-what? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“The guy tells you you’re the reason he thinks he’s not straight, then kisses your cheek and you’re like, ‘oh it was probably just to be nice. Just a friendly kiss on the cheek between two bros. Two frienderinos.’ Sit down, and reassess your life mate,” He said, picking up the bag of crisps again.

Dan was left speechless. “I…”

“The guy likes you! Hot Phil likes you.”

“The only reason I’m being so sceptical is because he was drunk! He might have just said it because he was drunk, I don’t know!”

Nathan shook his head and laughed. “Wow, how do you cope only having one brain cell Dan?”

Dan pouted and looked out of the window. “You’re being mean now.”

“I am not! You’re just being the world’s biggest dumbass. Why don’t you text Oliver and ask his opinion- better yet, I’ll text him so we can laugh at what an idiot you’re being.”

“Oh so now you’re ganging up on m- wait a minute, when did  _ you _ get Oliver’s number?”

“A lady never shares her secrets, Daniel,” He replied, picking up his phone and tapping away a message to Oliver.

Dan regretted ever introducing them.

-

Luckily, he didn’t see Phil until the tech run, the day before the show started. 

“Where did you guys disappear to?” Phil asked, bounding up to Dan and Nathan. “Thought we could have gotten breakfast together after Saturday night?”

“We uh- we walked Oliver to the station and we’d booked an early train to Birmingham so we could get some sightseeing in,” Dan replied, hands shoved in his pockets.

“Oh,” He said, trying to hide the disappointment in his voice that Dan definitely did  _ not _ pick up on, no way not at all. “I wanted to say thanks anyway, for Saturday night. I had a really good time.”

“Yeah you looked like you did,” Nathan said pointedly, glancing between Dan and Phil.

“Yeah it was fun,” Dan said, hurriedly. “Anyway we’d better go. Got some lines and stuff we wanna run over-” He quickly pulled Nathan away and into another room.

“Oh cause that didn’t look awkward at all. Also that was a shit excuse, as if he would believe that.”

“I’m sorry. I just...I just felt so awkward, could you not sense how awkward we both felt? Clearly he’s forgotten all about it and doesn’t want to mention it ever again.”

Nathan rolled his eyes. “Stop being dramatic. He probably felt awkward because we essentially ditched him on Sunday and why would he bring up the kiss anyway whilst I was there? Hmm?”

Nathan did have a point but Dan didn’t want to admit it and ignored him. “Do you think I should speak to him about it? Maybe ask him?”

“And say what?” Nathan laughed. “Oh hey Phil remember that time on Saturday when you kissed me on the cheek? Yeah I’m just checking you remember it happened.”

Dan groaned. “Fine...I...I’ll just leave it,” He said, turning around only to be met with Phil staring right back at him.

The rest of the day went by in a flash and when Dan saw Phil heading in his direction as they packed up for the day he hastily grabbed his bags and made a beeline for the door, hoping Phil wouldn’t have the energy to run after him.

“I basically want your opinion on whether or not you think I’m being a dick,” Dan asked down the phone as he headed back to his hotel

“I mean, it’s not like you slept together and now you’re ignoring him. It was only a kiss on the cheek...and him admitting you’re the reason he’s a little bit gay but we can brush over that.”

Dan groaned down the phone. “I just...I want to bring it up but then what if he doesn’t even remember it? Then I’ll look like an idiot.”

“You already do mate,” Oliver replied with a chuckle. 

Dan didn’t even bother responding. “Maybe he’s waiting for me to mention something? But then what if I never do. God that would be so awkward, we’d never be able to talk again.”

“Dan. You’re catastrophising again. That’s not gonna happen.”

“It mig-” Dan started before being interrupted by a pat on his back.

“Hi,” Came the voice of Phil, a wide smile plastered on his face. “You’re a fast walker.”

Dan turned around and looked at him in astonishment. “I’ll call you back Ol,” He said, hanging up the call.

“Hi, did you run to catch up with me?”

Phil nodded, still slightly out of breath and panting. “Most running I’ve done all month.”

Dan smiled in response. “Did you want something?”

“Yeah. I’ve barely spoken to you all day. I wondered if you wanted to come hang out with me and play Mario Kart. Good way to relax before the show starts tomorrow.”

Dan was tempted. Not necessarily by Mario Kart, more so by the smile that was spreading across Phil’s face and the way his dark hair was plastered to his forehead with sweat. 

“Sure. Why not!” He grinned back as they started walking in the direction of the hotel.

A game of Mario Kart quickly turned into an hour of playing Mario Kart, a takeaway pizza and watching Attack on Titan on Phil’s laptop.

“You know I’ve lost count of how many times I've watched this. It’s nice to finally have someone to watch it with,” Phil said.

They were both leant up against the headboard of Phil’s bed, bodies stretched out with the laptop between them.

Dan nodded and yawned. “Mhmm. Me and Ol watched it but I don’t think he was that into it. He preferred Yuri On Ice. Can’t think why...” He muttered.

Phil chuckled. “Nothing to do with the cute skater butts obviously.”

It wasn’t until they had watched nearly half of the first series that Dan checked the time and saw it was nearly 11pm. 

“Shit, I should probably go. I didn’t realise how late it was.”

“Oh, yeah…”

There it was again. The disappointment in Phil’s voice that Dan tried his hardest not to notice.

“Maybe we could finish it tomorrow?” Phil suggested. “We could hang out before going to the theatre.”

Dan nodded as he pulled on his shoes and jacket. “Yeah...yeah I’ll message you...mate….” he said awkwardly, instantly cringing at his choice of words.

“Sure,” Phil replied. “See you tomorrow, mate.”

-

“Good afternoon Mr 10-minutes-late,” Phil joked as Dan pushed open the door to their dressing room. “Get lost?”

Dan rolled his eyes as he dumped his bags down on the seat. “Ha, ha, hilarious! No I just...misjudged the time. Thought it was earlier than it was.”

“So you woke up late and you had to run to make it here?”

Dan hated how predictable he was. His time keeping wasn’t that bad. In fact, he hadn’t even woke up late at all. He’d actually spent almost half an hour looking at himself in the mirror, psyching himself up to ask Phil about what he’d said on Saturday night. He’d practiced the conversation a dozen times in his head, with every one ending in utter disaster.

“Yeah,” Dan nodded. “Alarm didn’t go off.”

“That’s why I always set 3 so I wake up in time.”

“Well sorry we can’t all be as punctual as you.”

“So...are you excited for the show today? Should be good,” 

Dan nodded. He could almost hear the awkwardness in Phil’s voice. Were they both just going to pretend it never happened?

“Yeah, yeah. I think this is the first show I’m not actually nervous for,” He said with a chuckle.

“Did Oliver enjoy it?”

“Oh yeah, loved it. He said he had a good time.”

“He seemed nice...I had a good time on Saturday.”

And there it was. They were edging into dangerous territory now, all Dan had to do was mention it and they could talk it out and laugh it off as nothing more than a drunk comment...unless.

“Yeah me too. I’m just gonna go to the toilet,” He said, turning around and rushing into the toilet. Well, he fucked that up.

Dan was grateful for the show to start. Seeing as him and Phil had completely opposite scenes he wouldn’t have to see him or interact with him until the interval, where Dan could just feign he needed to rest before the second act and enjoy a quiet and peaceful 20 minutes.

“Will you stop being a wuss and just ask him about it?” Nathan asked as they made their way off stage. There were people rushing past them in the opposite direction but they ignored them as they walked up to their dressing rooms.

“I can’t, what if he doesn’t remember? What if I just embarrass him?”

“Who cares, I’m fed up of you moping about it. Just ask him.”

“Fine! I will, I’ll see you later,” Dan pushed open the door to his dressing room. “It’s only me Ph-” He started to say but stopped when he realised Phil wasn’t there. Perhaps he was with another friend? Or he’d gone outside for some fresh air Dan thought.

The 20 minutes of the interval passed in a flash and before Dan knew it the tannoy came booming into their room telling them they had 5 minutes before act 2 began. 

_ Where the fuck was Phil? _ He was in the first scene in act 2 and Dan could clearly see the jacket he wore in that scene was still hanging up on the rail, meaning Phil would have to come back here to get it.

It was only when the show began that Dan started to worry, did Phil have a spare jacket somewhere? His curiosity getting the better of him, he stepped out of his dressing room and went to find some of the other cast members to ask them,

He spotted Matt, one of the swings in the show and walked up to him. “Hey, uh-Matt, is Phil on stage?” Dan asked. 

“Shit, didn’t you hear?”

“H-hear what?” Dan asked, his heart was hammering against his chest.

“He fell down some stairs when he was coming off stage in act 1. They think he’s broken his wrist so he’s been taken to A&E.”

_ Shit. _

“W-well is he alright?”

“Don’t know mate, he couldn’t move his arm but he seemed fine.”

“Oh. Thanks,” Dan replied quietly.

Dan wanted nothing more in that moment than to rush out of the theatre and go and see if Phil was okay. He was brought back to reality when the stage manager announced his cue over the tannoy.

“You’re early for once,” Nathan said, bounding up to him.

“Phil’s in hospital. He...he fell down some stairs.”

“Oh my god what? You’re serious?”

Dan nodded. He felt completely and utterly speechless. He was trying his best to be calm and cool about it but inside his brain was racing at a thousand miles an hour.

“You should go and see him after the show, he’d like that,” Nathan suggested, patting Dan comfortingly on the arm.

“Yeah...yeah I will,” Dan replied.

The second act seemed to drag. Everytime Dan came off stage he would check the clock to see how much longer there was to go. His mind couldn’t stop racing and his leg wouldn’t stop twitching anxiously.

Dan all but rushed off the stage after the bows and up to his dressing room to get changed. He shouted a quick goodbye to Nathan who he passed on the stairs and was out of the stage door and calling for an uber in record time.

It wasn't until he was sat in the back of the taxi, looking out of the window that he was able to calm down. He didn’t know why he was so nervous and scared. Phil had just fallen down the stairs and apparently all he’d done was hurt his wrist, surely he was fine? The car ride gave him chance to realise how ridiculous he was being, panicking over what was probably nothing more than a bruised wrist. 

As the uber pulled up outside the A&E unit, Dan was feeling much calmer. He walked in through the doors and was met with a crowded waiting room. Small children, crying their eyes out as parents held them, a group of drunk men holding half empty bottles and an entire row of elderly men and women. He spotted a tired lady sat behind a desk up ahead and walked over to her.

“Hi, I’m looking for my friend. He was brought in here earlier.”

“What’s his name?” She asked, her voice warm and friendly considering it was nearly 11pm.

“Uh, Phil Lester.”

She tapped away on her computer before turning back to Dan. “Ah- he’s been transferred to the minor injuries ward upstairs. If you just follow the signs you’ll be able to find it.”

“Thanks,” Dan said, smiling back at her before turning to look at the sign, hanging from the ceiling. He quickly spotted the one he wanted and made his way through the building.

Hospitals always made Dan feel a little uneasy. The clinical smell of disinfectant and cleaning products used almost made his hair stand up on end. 

After a 5 minute walk and nearly getting lost twice, Dan finally reached the minor injuries ward desk.

“Hi, I’m looking for a Phil Lester. The lady downstairs said he was up here?”

“I’ll just check for you sir,” The lady behind the desk said.

“Ah yes, he’s in one of the beds down this corridor.”

_ Beds. _ Why was Phil in a bed? All he’d done was hurt his wrist, why did he need a bed?

“Are you a friend...or family?”

“Yes,” Dan said quickly, not realising what she’d said. 

“Well, which is it?”

“I’m a friend.”

“Alright, I’ll take you down to see him if you’d like?”

Dan just nodded and let the lady lead him down the corridor. There were beds lining both sides of the hallway, people with their arms or their legs bandaged up. Children with their parents, a couple of teenagers and then....Phil. 

“What the fuck did you do?” Dan asked, laughing softly as he walked over to his bedside.

“D-Dan, what are you…”

“Matt told me. I uh- I was worried about where you were because you hadn’t come to fetch your jacket so I went down to the stage to find you and bumped into Matt and he told me what happened. What the fuck did you do?”

“Tripped down some stairs on my way to go on stage. I’ve uh-fractured my wrist.” He said, chuckling as he held up his arm.

“Oh shit.”

“And I’ve got a mild concussion,” He chuckled. “I’ve had an ice pack on my head for the past 10 minutes and they want to keep me in overnight to monitor me.”

“Oh my G-That’s serious Phil, are you alright?”

“I’m fine. Never better,” Phil joked, clearly trying to ease the tension with humour.

“I-I’m guessing you won’t be able to perform then?” Dan asked.

Phil shrugged. “Probably not. Doctor said I’ve got to rest for up to 3 weeks.”

“Shit.” Dan said again, as he walked over to sit in the chair next to Phil’s bed. “I...I thought you were dying or something serious had happened.”

“Nope. Just clumsy old me falling down some stairs.”

“You got concussion, is everything...you know, are you alright?”

Phil was silent as he looked at Dan. He swallowed and forced a smile onto his face. “I’m fine.”

“Phil.” Dan said, pointedly.

“Course I’m not fine,” He said quietly. “I came round and had no idea where I was or who Matt was. Him and Rob had to carry me into an uber, and then Rob came with me. I didn’t know who he was or what was happening.” 

Phil’s voice was so quiet Dan had to lean in to hear him. If he squinted hard enough he could see a few tears building in Phil’s eyes.

Instinctively, he reached out to hold Phil’s hand and squeeze it. “Well, you remember who I am don’t you?”

Phil chuckled and nodded. “Hard to forget.”

Dan tried not to dwell on what exactly Phil meant by that and smiled at him.

“Who am I supposed to share a dressing room with now? You didn’t think of that did you?” Dan asked, trying to sound annoyed.

“Sorry, I’ll be more considerate next time.”

“Good.” Dan replied.

A silence settled between them, their hands still linked together and the sounds of nurses rushing around and machines beeping in the background.

Dan yawned and rubbed his eyes.

“You should go, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Phil said, nudging his arm.

“Yeah...I’m shattered.” He stood up and began to walk away before turning back around. “I’ll come and see you tomorrow.”

-

In the uber ride back to the hotel, Dan had pulled out his phone and texted Oliver. He needed to talk about this with someone immediately.

**To: Oliver** **  
** **Phil fractured his wrist and is in hospital and i went to visit him and we held hands what does this mean?**

**To: Dan** **  
** **Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay**

**To: Oliver** **  
** **Not helpful**

It was any wonder Dan got any sleep that night. Thoughts of Phil’s hand in his, racing through his mind.  _ God he was pathetic. Dreaming about holding another man’s hand, how scandalous! _ There was something about the way Phil had spoken to him, the way he hadn’t flinched when Dan held his hand. He would ask him tomorrow. Ask him about what he’d said that night at the club because honestly, Dan couldn’t take it anymore.

When his alarm went off at 7am the next morning Dan groaned. There is no way he would have gotten up early if it was anyone else stuck in hospital, but he had wanted to visit Phil before the show that afternoon.

He didn’t know if it was against the rules to illegally smuggle a Starbucks into the hospital but just to be one the safe side, Dan hid the cup inside his jacket as he made his way to Phil’s bed.

“Dan?” A voice called, making him turn around and almost spilled the coffee all down the inside of his jacket.

“Fuck...Phil? Wh-what are you doing I thought you were supposed to be in bed?”

“Nope. I’m all better so they’re discharging me. Just gotta keep my wrist in this support bandage for the next 3 weeks.” He said, lifting up his bandaged arm. “Wait, what are  _ you _ doing here?” He asked, suspiciously eyeing Dan’s hand that was hiding inside his jacket.

“Oh, I uh- bought you a Starbucks. Thought it might be nicer than the shitty hospital coffee.”

A warm smile spread across Phil’s face as he took the cup from Dan’s hand and took a sip. “Mmm, you’re right. 3 million times better.”

“That’s a pretty hefty claim? 3 million, really?”

Phil nodded. “Definitely.”

They were silent for a few seconds before Dan cleared his throat, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets. “I should uh- I’ll go. Or we could...get some breakfast? If you wanted, I’m not gonna force you.”

“Breakfast is my favourite meal of the day so it’s a yes from me.”

Dan was surprised at how eager Phil was and he felt his heart skip a little that Phil actually wanted to spend this much time with him. 

“Do you have anywhere in mind or…”

“I saw this place on my walk here actually. They had a really nice baked goods selection.”

“I am a sucker for a breakfast pastry.” Phil said, practically salivating.

The walk to the cafe was nice, the cool spring air a welcome change from the freezing temperatures that was their winter. 

“By the way thanks.” Phil spoke up. “For coming to see me last night. I know you must have been tired after the show but I really appreciate it.”

Dan just shrugged as he looked down at the pavement. “It was nothing, I was worried about you.”

“So were most of the other people we work with, but they didn’t come out to see me in the hospital at 10pm at night.”

Dan just laughed under his breath. “I’m not most people.”

“No, you’re not.”

Dan could feel something in the air. A change in the way they were acting around each other. This was his time to bring it up. To ask Phil about what he’d said and see if there was any truth in his words of if it was just the alcohol talking.

“Y-you know last week, at the club?” Dan asked, not daring to take his eyes off the ground.

“Yeah? I had a good night, I hadn’t been out like that in ages.”

“What did you mean when you said, you don’t think that you’re straight because of me…”

They didn’t stop walking but Dan could feel Phil mentally pause and absorb what Dan had said.

“Thought it was pretty self explanatory what I meant if I’m honest, Dan.” He said casually.

Dan felt his cheeks burning, he could tell the red patch on his cheek was flashing like a beacon so he kept his head down as they kept walking. “Oh...oh sure. Of course.” He said, trying to laugh it off when in fact his heart was beating a thousand miles per hour inside his chest.

Phil just laughed and nudged his arm. “Look at me you idiot,”

Dan lifted his head up, turning it to Phil and hoping his face didn’t look like a tomato.

“I thought you’d have picked up on it before.” He said, his voice suddenly turning more serious. “I mean I know I’ve never been great at flirting but I really tried.”

“Wait a minute, you’ve been flirting with me? This whole time?”

“Near enough, all those compliments I gave you, calling you cute, asking you to come bowling with us. I tried so hard to make sure I was on the same team as you!”

“Phil, I tried to make sure  _ I _ was on the same team as  _ you _ !”

They both burst out laughing, getting them some funny looks from an old lady on the other side of the street.

“Then we went out and there was the perfect opportunity to get drunk and just tell you how I feel. I thought you’d ask me about it the next day but you never did so I just presumed you hadn’t heard me or something.”

“You’re such an idiot.” Dan laughed, a wide smile spreading across his face as he looked at Phil.

Typical that a hot guy had been flirting with him for the past 2 weeks and Dan had no idea.

“An idiot who has a crush on you s _ oooo _ ,”

“Y-you have a crush on me?” Dan asked.

“Thought I’d made that obvious with all the flirting? Or do you need me to tell you you’re cute a few more times?”

Dan blushed even more (if that was at all possible). “Maybe just a few more times…”

Phil laughed loudly, his head thrown back and tongue between his teeth. “You’re cute. How’s that? Better?”

Dan giggled. “Much better.”

They reached the cafe and Phil rushed up to the window to admire the cakes and pastries on display in the window. “These look incredible, how am I supposed to pick just one?”

“Who says you can only pick one?” Dan replied.

Phil reached out to grab Dan’s hand, their fingers interlocking (God Phil’s hands were soft), as he was pulled inside. 

“What do you want? My treat.” Phil said, smiling at Dan.

“Oh...uh…” Dan said, flustered. “I’ll have a cinnamon swirl and a cappuccino please.”

Phil nodded. “Go find us a seat then.”

Dan chose the couch that was in the window. It had big, squashy cushions and as soon as Dan sat down he melted into it. He looked across at Phil who was bouncing on his toes as he waited for their food and drinks. Did this count as a date? Or were him and Phil just hanging out?

“One cinnamon swirl and a cappuccino, with an extra shot of vanilla syrup.” Phil said, shaking Dan from his thoughts, as he placed the tray down.

“Oh, thanks.” Dan said, picking up the mug and taking a careful sip. “God that’s amazing.” He said as Phil sat down next to him. Literally right next to him. There was a whole couch and Phil had squashed himself in right next to Dan so their thighs were touching.

“You’re right, this coffee is good.”

“You’ve had another? I literally just bought you one! You’re gonna be off your tits!” Dan exclaimed. 

“How else am I supposed to get through the day?” Phil said, sounding offended.

“Should you be drinking all that caffeine in your condition?”

Phil pretended to look offended and pouted. “You can’t tell me what to do. I’m older than you!” 

“Yeah by 4 years, not exactly a grandad are you?”

“Is that what you’re into? Old men? That’s gross.” Phil grimaced.

Dan shoved him lightly and leant back against the couch. “You’re disgusting.”

“Is that really any way to speak to me on a date?” Phil said, a hint of a smirk in his voice.

“Wh- what...wh-who said anything about this being a date? I thought we were just getting breakfast together, I’m hardly dressed for a date and I just picked you up from the hospital, that’s hardly romant-”

Phil had placed his mug down and reached out to hold Dan’s hand. “You’re so easy to wind up.”

“So...this isn’t a date?” Dan asked hesitantly. 

“How about, for now, we just call it ‘two friends who sort of maybe like each other getting breakfast together’?”

“I think that’s just a long winded way of saying it’s a date.” Dan chuckled. 

Phil held up his hands, “Well, you said it not me. If you want to officially make it a date.”

“Fine it’s a date! Happy now?”

Phil grinned and nodded. “Very happy.”

It was a strange feeling to sit with someone in complete silence and for it not to feel awkward. In fact sitting in silence with Phil, whilst they drank their coffee and ate their food, felt like the most normal thing in the world. Phil, who was sitting next to him with his dark black hair that stuck up slightly at the back. His wide smile that seemed to emit a happiness, that made Dan think maybe not everyone in the world was as cynical as he was. So many little details he’d picked up on in such a short space of time. He couldn’t help but feel overcome with a feeling of warmth, as he sunk back into the couch and relaxed into the familiarity that was Phil.

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/danhoweIIs/status/1174022774169440258)// [tumblr](https://danhowellz.tumblr.com/post/187781881403/looking-for-a-little-bit-of-hope-these-days)  
kudos/comments are appreciated thank u for reading!!


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